my first unofficial-official mother’s day

One year ago, Mother’s Day, was one of the darkest days of the entire year for me. I had completely forgotten about it until I randomly decided to watch a video I had recorded. In it, I share that I was in a wrestling place with God, His seemingly cruel timing, and how I felt hopeless. A few days later, my friend Alison had a dream about me and felt impressed to send a sermon she’d heard. I listened to it, it reminded me to have hope, but my cyniccism remained firm.

I have always longed, hoped, and dreamed to be a mother. It is the first “desire” I remember having as a little girl. I have always loved babes, pregnant ladies, and the idea of family. I believe it is my purpose on earth and falls above anything else I “do” or can “be.” I know this isn’t everyone, this is my perspective. My heart’s desire was to always be a mother.

As I finished college, started my career, and began dating I started to feel disillusioned– and horrifyingly afraid that I would never a family. Dating has mostly been painful for me, I just don’t like the culture around it and always felt like I wasn’t “good” at dating. I’m sure others can relate. I am a different kind of woman.

Seth’s and my story is uniquely ours, of course, but one thing I liked about him right away was that he wanted to be a father and loved children. I wrote in a journal years ago the qualities I was looking for in a partner and “a heart for children” was second or third on the list. Another thing I noticed about Seth right away was his attitude and perspective on life. He is optimistic, positive. He has a flag framed in his home that has an anchor and the word “hope” on it. I remember the first time I saw it how beautiful it was, that it reminded me of scripture, but that hope word… I wasn’t ready to embrace it.

About a month or so into our relationship I had a health scare. My doctor was concerned that I might have some pre cancerous cells inside my body. It was incredibly scary. I have been blessed with “good health,” and getting this call was obviously deeply upsetting. I knew that if I ended up being diagnosed my chances of having children might be slim. I wept while I told Seth. I was so heartbroken and scared. He assured me that no matter what he would be walking with me through whatever journey came next. He beautifully said, “It will be okay. I believe you were created to be a mother.”

Miraculously, all of my subsequent tests came back normal and healthy. They’ll keep an eye on me for a while, but hearing “everything is reassuring” on the phone felt like a huge weight was lifted. They weren’t even sure how the initial tests had come out so dismal in the first time.

Timing wise it felt special– on the day of my doctor’s appointment I had Seth drive me because I was too upset and didn’t want to be alone. I took a routine urine pregnancy test, positive it would be negative as they’ve always been, only to find out otherwise. Three beautiful blessings happened that day:

I was given a clean bill of health, Seth was alongside me, and we found out our baby was on her way.

Certainly her timing was quite a surprise, but joyfully welcomed. I have learned throughout this entire process of adulting that things rarely happen on our timeline. I never imagined I’d be having a baby before I was married. I’ve sat at many a bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, and felt so happy for the woman we were celebrating, but absolutely heartbroken and scared for myself. I am sure I am not alone in this.

When I turned thirty, I kept trying to be positive about it, but the weight of not having a family felt so heavy. I planned a fun and beautiful party to try and take my mind off it, but still– it was a hard day. How beautiful to look back and see that by the time I turned 31 I’d be expecting. I would have thought that impossible.

On the other side of the coin, I have been deeply hurt by some of the responses we’ve received from our exciting news. Some have been silent, and disappeared from our lives. Others have refused to participate in celebrations or send unnecessary, overly detailed messages about how my pregnancy is hurting someone else. Life timelines are so hard, and I know the pain from the other side, but we have to get to a point as a culture where we can healthfully celebrate others. We are all scared. We are all uncertain of if we are doing things “right” or if we are “good enough.” I wish we could be better at loving others through spaces that are sometimes difficult for us. I know it’s not personal, I know people don’t mean to be intentionally hurtful, but it feels like judgment or direct unkindness to our baby girl– and that stings. Thankfully, all of our family members have been wonderful.

Mother’s Day is a complex holiday for many women. I hold some of those emotions. Despite being {almost} on “the other side.”

I am grateful for the immense opportunity it is to be a mother and don’t take a single moment for granted.

On Saturday I came home from Calvary’s Women’s Retreat to a cheerful, hopeful bouquet of yellow daisies and a card that I will cherish forever. Sunday we had a simple BBQ after exploring the country.