{Photos by Seth}
I feel as if thirty-two is the age in which I am supposed to get myself in order. I am the same age as my mother was when she gave birth to me. I’m far enough away from my twenties for them to now feel next door, not like the day before yesterday.
Thirty-one was a wild ride. I’m not going to pretend that having a surprise baby, moving in with Seth, and leaving my job as a nanny was a smooth or easy transition. It is, and has, and perhaps will continue to be sometimes bumpy— and as my pastor says, a holy mix of experiences and emotions:
My proudest moment of the past year was giving birth to my daughter without any medication. Seth said I made it look easy. As someone who has always doubted my strength and has been plagued by thoughts of my weakness, it was a capstone experience for me. I did it.
I felt intimidated by Priscilla during her early weeks—too anxious to sleep while she took her daytime naps. We made it through those early days of painful breastfeeding, hourly wake ups in the night, and the fog that has me forgetting how our days looked save it not for the album roll on my phone.
Continuing my photography business while having a baby was also tricky. I sometimes felt so out of it, forgetful, and lacking—but clients kept booking me and thanking me for taking their photographs. The income continues to help sustain and pays for student loans, nursing tank tops, and a new camera bag that accommodates diapers. My clients have been some of my strongest supporters, cheering me on in my new role as a mom and often asking me how Priscilla is.
I’ve found new community in fellow moms through MOPS {Moms of Preschoolers}. I used to look at MOPs with a sort of eye-roll distain. It felt… not for me. I had massive anxiety before attending my first morning, worried sick Priscilla and I wouldn’t be welcomed because I’m yet to be married. To my surprise and delight we weren’t only welcomed, but new, dear friends have emerged. I wonder what else I have written off?
After a very painful start, I can happily say that I love nursing my baby. In fact, breastfeeding has been a saving grace during sleep regressions. Priscilla sleeps most of the night in her crib, but then joins us in the bed where I can side lie nurse her. I count breastfeeding as the reason why I feel well-rested more often than not. I join generations of women in my family who have nursed their babies. It connects me to my mother, grandmother, aunts, and cousins. My grandmother used to tell the memory of how her mother would nurse her baby outside of the coal mine where my great grandfather toiled.
Seth, my soon to be husband, is a strong and supportive pillar in my life. He has taught me much during this year: how to be calm, the power of patience, and better listening skills. He is the most disciplined, goal oriented person I have ever met. He is the perfect father to our daughter who he adores. I love waking up next to him.
I’m different, but the same me. I’m less radical, but even more so passionate now that I’ve become a mother. The Lord continues to sustain me in His peculiar ways. I pray I can continue to seek Him in all I do, and I praise Him for a healthy and happy thirty-one years. Here’s to thirty-two!
