holy & hard | the birth of Augustine

“Our hearts were made for you, O Lord, and are restless until they rest in you.”  -St Augustine

Photos by Maggie Witter Photography 

I’ve had such a variety of births over the past several years since having my first baby in August of 2018. My thirties have been spent maternally, creating new life with Seth and filling our home to the brim. This birth story has been the hardest to write and taken me the longest. I’m not entirely certain why that is, perhaps the general overwhelmingness of the newborn days has me preoccupied with the sacred art of caring for our son. There’s also the challenge of putting into words another intense birth alongside a time of such heartbreaking chaos here in Minnesota.

I’ve been here before, like I was with my second birth in 2020, but this feels different.  My mind feel a little porous and influenced, I’m not sure how to neatly package this story up with perfect clarity. I do believe it deserves to be told. I feel obligated to write sooner than later so I won’t forget important and precious details to a season of lost sleep and nights falling into days during this bitter cold start to the year.

I had so many fears of going over with this baby like I did with Penny, but while I did end up going five days past my guess date, I was able to labor without any induction and I am so, so grateful for that! Near the start of my third trimester, I transferred care to my midwife Amber. It was one of those moments where I really needed to trust myself and ultimately take ownership over my pregnancy and birth. I had such a profoundly positively experience with her that it’s hard to even put into words. I have felt so fortunate to have been under the care of some excellent doctors and care providers, and Amber’s style of midwifery felt transcendent. I felt loved and held, seen and respected.

I’d spent the last few Fridays before going into labor doing big grocery shops, hoping it would be my last trip before baby, wanting to be sure we had all we needed. The 9^th was no different, but this time I ran into my friend Johnna who kindly offered to pray for me in the coop parking lot.

I woke up Saturday morning the 10^th early, Penny had been waking up before the big kids and I stumbled into her room to give her some books, change her diaper, and turn on her lamp to try and buy me a little bit of time. I think I rocked her pregnant one last time, my gigantic belly leaving so little room for my girl and I on our vintage rocking chair I’d found at an estate sale the summer I had her. What could have been a lovely scene was ruined by my terrible mood. I was so tired, exhausted from being pregnant. As soon as the big kids came downstairs their boisterous energy pushed me over the edge and I told them to put on their snow gear to blow off some steam outside. I had plans to get ready for the day and take Cilla and LJ to two different birthday celebrations.

Most mornings I memo my dearest friend Jenee, and today was no different. I made myself a quick breakfast and then headed up the two flights to our room to get ready. I sat down to go to the bathroom and felt a familiar sensation, wondering if my water had broken. I stood up to walk to the sink to wash my hands. I was mid memo to Jay when I felt the gush of my water break. I told her I had to go and to pray for me.

Immediately I felt a little overwhelmed and slightly panicked. I called Seth who was downstairs with the kids and told him I was going to alert our birth team. I spoke to Amber and said I was feeling fine, and she said she could just come over to do quick vitals and go back home if I was feeling like I didn’t need her right away. Initially, I felt fine and decided to get into the shower and get ready. A few minutes into my shower I felt the baby move and felt a little nervous. I had forgotten that things feel a bit more intense and acute once your water has broken. In previous labors, I’d only had my water break early with the girls, and with Penny’s labor it didn’t feel intense until the very end. I could tell things were going to be a little faster this time. I called out to Seth who had made his way upstairs and told him I was going to try and hurry getting ready. By the time I finished dressing I knew our birth team wouldn’t be going home.

Our wonderful sitter took the kids to her house, and the boys were upset with me about not going to the party. They came upstairs while I was in the bathroom, having contractions, and complained. I remember looking at LJ and saying, “mommy is going to have a baby soon. I can’t get in a car and take you anywhere.” They absconded with a bag  of natural peanut butter cups which I used to bribe them to go downstairs.

The entire labor felt a little frantic, and I think some of it had to do with the time of day. I’ve always wanted a daytime birth, but have historically started labor in the wee hours of the morning or nighttime. I was so taken by surprise by my water breaking at 8:30am. I think this threw me off the entire day.

By 10am our entire team had arrived: midwife Amber, doula Lexi, and photographer Maggie. Initially, my contractions were manageable, but of course they became harder as time went on. By 10:30am I was struggling to talk through them, and totally inward, focused on getting through each wave. I labored for a bit in the bathroom, and that’s when my labor really started to feel more intense. I had some very painful, all of my energy to get through contractions, and then this immediate desire to go and rest on my bed.

I felt a little disoriented during this labor as well because I never threw up. In past labors I usually get sick around transition, and so that has helped me map where I am in the process. After walking out of the bathroom I was so sweaty and laid down on the bed to rest. This did remind me of the final moments before having Penny where I also wanted to just lie down and sleep a bit. I should have known that was a clue that baby was near.

At this point I was so sweaty and tired, but had been able to eat a bit during the earlier part of labor so I wasn’t so fatigued. Lexi was helping me take sips of water and kindly turned on our fan. I put on my fear clearing Hypnobabies track because I was feeling so overwhelmed and scared by the pain. This was new for me, as I haven’t really felt afraid in labor before. I probably should have devoted more time to listening to my tracks during my pregnancy, but life was busy, and I admittedly didn’t prioritize it. I did feel carried and so deeply cared for by everyone there and Seth. They were of such comfort to me! Before things got too challenging Seth got out some Holy Water and blessed my forehead and belly. It was one of the sweetest moments in all my births, and I’m so glad I wrote it down right way so I wouldn’t forget.

Amber mentioned putting a chux pad underneath me and asked me to roll to my side. Once I was there I didn’t have the strength to roll back. I was so tired. A few minutes later everyone remarked how it was snowing, and I managed to lift my eyes a bit to look out the closet window. It was indeed beautiful, but I felt like I was in so much pain that I couldn’t appreciate it. Then I was feeling a little sorry for myself that everyone else was having this beautiful weather moment, and I was unable to really enjoy it in the same way.

I was still so thirsty and really grateful to Lexi who kept my water bottle near. I had a bowl out, ready to throw up, but I never ended up using it. Usually this is my sign that things are moving along in labor, so without that I kept thinking things were going to take much longer. A few minutes after I had rolled to my side I started making pushing sounds and knew that baby was coming. The pain was excruciating, moreso than any of my previous four labors, and I had moments where I kept looking around my room to focus on something that would alleviate me from the pain. I told myself that the next contraction wouldn’t be so hard. I pulled off my underwear because I could tell it was almost baby time.

In a matter of a few minutes, he was born, and Seth caught him (like he did Priscilla and Langston). In three gushes he was out. Like his oldest sister he came out screaming even before the rest of his body was delivered. He still has a strong set of lungs on him. Immediately I felt so much better, a massive sense of relief, and was able to move my leg and catch a glimpse of him. Seth and Amber told me he was a boy, which I had suspected all along. He moved right up to my chest and started nursing immediately. Lexi helped me get him latched on since I was almost entirely lying down.

During our preparations for birth, I would occasionally show the kids birth videos, including the one film we have of Teddy’s birth. After watching it a few times Teddy told me he wanted to help cut this baby’s umbilical cord. Lately I’ve really been wanting to honor my kids’ wishes if they are reasonable. I knew it would mean so much to Teddy. After Augustine was settled on my chest our sitter brought Teddy back. Initially he was so overcome by how loud the baby was, but getting to participate in this birth was quite special for him, and I’m so glad we were able to make it happen.

When it came time to get up and go to the bathroom I ended up fainting in the doorway. Thankfully our midwife and her partner were there to catch me. I didn’t have serious blood loss or high blood pressure, and I’m quite certain I fainted from the intensity of the birth and truly the pain that was other worldly and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve been reflecting a bit more on this, and I think as time goes on I’ll come to an even greater understanding but having had two challenging births that were hard work and tricky in their own way has granted me greater empathy and respect for the holy work of birth. I like to believe that God grants us something special with each birth experience. I do believe with my first that the blessing of a relatively easy and straight forward birth was a gift after a near decade of adulthood that seemed so discouraging. As my previous midwife Rebecca wisely told me after Penny’s wilderness birth, “sometimes you get an easy one and sometimes you have a hard one.” Pain and suffering can be a teacher, too, perhaps a most powerful and profound one.

As I soaked up the first moments with our beautiful son I couldn’t believe how much he looked like Seth with sandy hair and blue eyes (for now). My second biggest baby and my second shortest labor have produced such a beautiful and precious baby boy. Our hearts are forever marked by the day of his birth, and I am filled with immense gratitude for his story, to be on the other side, and those who shepherded us along the way.